Too many of us have the wrong idea about what happiness is. We confuse it with pleasure or fun. We confuse it with some sort of permanent state or an accomplishment to pursue. But happiness is more subtle and supple than that. It is something that ensues, as the great Viktor Frankl says in Man’s Search for Meaning.

It ensues as a result of doing the right thing. Of finding the right causes and purposes. Of being able to endure and persevere through the struggles and suffering that life also brings.

We quoted Ursula Le Quin recently, who in a section in the fascinating parenting/creativity book The Baby on the Fire Escape, talks about happy families. “A happy family,” she says, “…doesn’t mean that everybody’s ‘happy’ all the time.” No, it’s something more complex. She describes a happy family as an interplay between roles, between likes and dislikes, good times and bad times.

This is something we have to remember as we go through the ups and downs of life as parents. It’s naive to think everything is going to be wonderful all the time. It’s also silly to think every happy family is going to be happy in the same way (as Tolstoy incorrectly said) or that you yourself are always going to be happy the same way.

No, we grow and change, we evolve. We go through different seasons of life, particularly as our children change and grow themselves. We cannot force happiness–nor can we hold onto it, anymore than we can keep our babies babies or our teenagers at home with us forever. All we can do is keep doing the work, keep on keeping on. If we are well-intentioned, if we stick to our values, if we make sure we are doing what we can for others (the people we love), if we are tough and look for the good where we can find it, then happiness will ensue…if only for a few fleeting moments.

But that’s plenty and it will hold us over for the next moment.