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The Power of Regret: How Looking Backward Moves Us Forward
Goodreads Choice Award
Nominee for Best Nonfiction (2022)From the #1 New York Times-bestselling author of When and Drive, a new book about the transforming power of our most misunderstood yet potentially most valuable emotion: regret.
Everybody has regrets, Daniel H. Pink explains in The Power of Regret. They're a universal and healthy part of being human. And understanding how regret works can help us make smarter decisions, perform better at work and school, and bring greater meaning to our lives.
Drawing on research in social psychology, neuroscience, and biology, Pink debunks the myth of the "no regrets" philosophy of life. And using the largest sampling of American attitudes about regret ever conducted as well as his own World Regret Survey--which has collected regrets from more than 15,000 people in 105 countries--he lays out the four core regrets that each of us has. These deep regrets offer compelling insights into how we live and how we can find a better path forward.
As he did in his bestsellers Drive, When, and A Whole New Mind, Pink lays out a dynamic new way of thinking about regret and frames his ideas in ways that are clear, accessible, and pragmatic. Packed with true stories of people's regrets as well as practical takeaways for reimagining regret as a positive force, The Power of Regret shows how we can live richer, more engaged lives.
Everybody has regrets, Daniel H. Pink explains in The Power of Regret. They're a universal and healthy part of being human. And understanding how regret works can help us make smarter decisions, perform better at work and school, and bring greater meaning to our lives.
Drawing on research in social psychology, neuroscience, and biology, Pink debunks the myth of the "no regrets" philosophy of life. And using the largest sampling of American attitudes about regret ever conducted as well as his own World Regret Survey--which has collected regrets from more than 15,000 people in 105 countries--he lays out the four core regrets that each of us has. These deep regrets offer compelling insights into how we live and how we can find a better path forward.
As he did in his bestsellers Drive, When, and A Whole New Mind, Pink lays out a dynamic new way of thinking about regret and frames his ideas in ways that are clear, accessible, and pragmatic. Packed with true stories of people's regrets as well as practical takeaways for reimagining regret as a positive force, The Power of Regret shows how we can live richer, more engaged lives.
239 pages, Hardcover
First published February 1, 2022
About the author
Daniel H. Pink
134 books28.6k followersDaniel H. Pink is the author of six provocative books — including his newest, When: The Scientific Secrets of Perfect Timing.
WHEN has spent 4 months on the New York Times bestseller list and was named a Best Book of 2018 by Amazon and iBooks.
Dan's other books include the long-running New York Times bestseller A Whole New Mind and the #1 New York Times bestsellers Drive and To Sell is Human. His books have won multiple awards and have been translated into 39 languages.
He and his wife, who live in Washington, DC, have three children -- a college senior, a college sophomore, and a high school sophomore.
WHEN has spent 4 months on the New York Times bestseller list and was named a Best Book of 2018 by Amazon and iBooks.
Dan's other books include the long-running New York Times bestseller A Whole New Mind and the #1 New York Times bestsellers Drive and To Sell is Human. His books have won multiple awards and have been translated into 39 languages.
He and his wife, who live in Washington, DC, have three children -- a college senior, a college sophomore, and a high school sophomore.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 1,254 reviews
August 22, 2023
I gave it 3.5 stars.
This book has a good title, "The Power of Regret," which attracted me to read it.
We thought regret was a negative emotion, but it is actually a good force that can help us make better decisions in the future.
People often regret not taking risks, not spending time with loved ones, not living authentically, and not learning from mistakes.
We can deal with regret by facing it head-on, learning from it, and finally moving on.
This book has a good title, "The Power of Regret," which attracted me to read it.
We thought regret was a negative emotion, but it is actually a good force that can help us make better decisions in the future.
People often regret not taking risks, not spending time with loved ones, not living authentically, and not learning from mistakes.
We can deal with regret by facing it head-on, learning from it, and finally moving on.
February 3, 2022
In a fitting moment, I considered whether I regretted reading this book.
Mostly because, like some of his other books, I felt like I was reading a large amount of fluff for a few nuggets of thought on the actual subject(sub-title)=. But, he writes the fluff in an entertaining enough way that I don't end up minding so much.
Mostly because, like some of his other books, I felt like I was reading a large amount of fluff for a few nuggets of thought on the actual subject(sub-title)=. But, he writes the fluff in an entertaining enough way that I don't end up minding so much.
March 22, 2022
You could do your future self a real favor by reading this book. In understanding the most common things that people come to regret, you’ll know what to avoid in your own life.
Daniel Pink launched two extensive research projects in support of this book—The American Regret Project and The World Regret Survey—that collected the regrets of more than 20,000 people from the US and around the world. Pink then categorized these regrets into four core areas—foundation, boldness, moral, and connection regrets—and in the process has shown us what a life well-lived looks like by comparison.
Pink covers why regret is often misunderstood, how regret can be used to your advantage, what the most common regrets are, and how to deal with regret productively. He even addresses the dangers of regret if it is not handled properly, which can in some cases lead to poor decisions due to the anticipation of regret (e.g., people think they’ll regret changing their first answer on a test, but research shows that most changes are from the incorrect to the correct answer). Overall, Pink believes that regret is a productive emotion and can prompt life changes for the better.
You might wonder, however, how skilled people really are at evaluating which decisions would or would not have turned out better. For example, maybe you regret your career choice and wish you became a doctor instead. But, without having the experience as a practicing physician, are you so sure you wouldn’t have regretted that decision? Maybe the better approach isn’t thinking about regrets at all, but rather showing some gratitude for what you have, making the best of your current situation, and planning for the future.
Nonetheless, there are some things you will almost certainly regret (not spending enough time with loved ones, bullying/causing harm to others, etc.), and having the collective regrets of 20,000 people at your disposal will help put things in perspective and guide you in the right direction.
Daniel Pink launched two extensive research projects in support of this book—The American Regret Project and The World Regret Survey—that collected the regrets of more than 20,000 people from the US and around the world. Pink then categorized these regrets into four core areas—foundation, boldness, moral, and connection regrets—and in the process has shown us what a life well-lived looks like by comparison.
Pink covers why regret is often misunderstood, how regret can be used to your advantage, what the most common regrets are, and how to deal with regret productively. He even addresses the dangers of regret if it is not handled properly, which can in some cases lead to poor decisions due to the anticipation of regret (e.g., people think they’ll regret changing their first answer on a test, but research shows that most changes are from the incorrect to the correct answer). Overall, Pink believes that regret is a productive emotion and can prompt life changes for the better.
You might wonder, however, how skilled people really are at evaluating which decisions would or would not have turned out better. For example, maybe you regret your career choice and wish you became a doctor instead. But, without having the experience as a practicing physician, are you so sure you wouldn’t have regretted that decision? Maybe the better approach isn’t thinking about regrets at all, but rather showing some gratitude for what you have, making the best of your current situation, and planning for the future.
Nonetheless, there are some things you will almost certainly regret (not spending enough time with loved ones, bullying/causing harm to others, etc.), and having the collective regrets of 20,000 people at your disposal will help put things in perspective and guide you in the right direction.
May 20, 2023
بگذارید زحمتتون رو کم کنم و کل کتاب رو براتون خلاصه کنم
پشیمانی دو نوعه: برای کارهایی که انجام دادیم و برای کارهایی که انجام ندادیم. ما از کارهایی که انجام ندادیم بیشتر پشیمون میشیم تا کارهایی که انجام دادیم
(نصف ریلزهای انگیزشی اینستاگرام همینه که)
:پشیمانیهای اصلی چهار دسته هستن
یک. پشیمانیهای پایهای مثل تحصیلات و تصمیمات اصلی زندگی
دو. پشیمانیهای مربوط به نترس بودن مثل ریسک نکردن
سه. پشیمانیهای اخلاقی مثل انجام دادن کار اشتباه
چهار. پشیمانیهای رابطه مثلاً در مورد عشق (جدا دونستن این دستهها چه کمکی میکنه؟ مثل مرتب کردن قرصات به ترتیب رنگه وقتی همه قراره یک جا برن)
:برای پشیمانیهایی که در مورد کارهاییه که انجام دادید
یک. اصلاحش کنید (نه بابا!)
دو. به خودتون بگید حداقل فلان اتفاق خوب هم افتاد. همش بد نبود (کی این کار رو نمیکنه!)
برای همهی پشیمانیها
یک. راجع بهش صحبت کن (پس ملت توی تراپی و مستی چیکار میکنن؟)
دو. خودت رو درک کن و با خودت مهربون باش (باشه.)
سه. از دور به قضیه نگاه کن و آنالیزش کن (اطلاعات این بخش جالب بود)
!همین. واقعا همین
بقیه کتاب توضیح طولانی چیزهاییه که نیاز به توضیح ندارند و اسم آوردن و شرح دادن تحقیقات مختلفیه که گاهی ربط خاصی هم به موضوع ندارند
مشکلم با بیشتر کتاب اینه که از نظر من اینها چیزهاییه که هر کسی با عقل سلیم خودش میدونه. ولی اولاً اینکه همه عقل سلیم ندارند (دیدم که میگم) و دوم اینکه بعضی از اونهایی هم که دارند گاهی به یادآوری نیاز دارند
کتاب صوتی هم با صدای خود نویسنده با همراهی یک گروه خونده شده و خیلی خوبه
تلگرامم که کتابها و صوتیشون رو آپلود میکنم
Maede's Books
۱۴۰۲/۲/۲۸
پشیمانی دو نوعه: برای کارهایی که انجام دادیم و برای کارهایی که انجام ندادیم. ما از کارهایی که انجام ندادیم بیشتر پشیمون میشیم تا کارهایی که انجام دادیم
(نصف ریلزهای انگیزشی اینستاگرام همینه که)
:پشیمانیهای اصلی چهار دسته هستن
یک. پشیمانیهای پایهای مثل تحصیلات و تصمیمات اصلی زندگی
دو. پشیمانیهای مربوط به نترس بودن مثل ریسک نکردن
سه. پشیمانیهای اخلاقی مثل انجام دادن کار اشتباه
چهار. پشیمانیهای رابطه مثلاً در مورد عشق (جدا دونستن این دستهها چه کمکی میکنه؟ مثل مرتب کردن قرصات به ترتیب رنگه وقتی همه قراره یک جا برن)
:برای پشیمانیهایی که در مورد کارهاییه که انجام دادید
یک. اصلاحش کنید (نه بابا!)
دو. به خودتون بگید حداقل فلان اتفاق خوب هم افتاد. همش بد نبود (کی این کار رو نمیکنه!)
برای همهی پشیمانیها
یک. راجع بهش صحبت کن (پس ملت توی تراپی و مستی چیکار میکنن؟)
دو. خودت رو درک کن و با خودت مهربون باش (باشه.)
سه. از دور به قضیه نگاه کن و آنالیزش کن (اطلاعات این بخش جالب بود)
!همین. واقعا همین
بقیه کتاب توضیح طولانی چیزهاییه که نیاز به توضیح ندارند و اسم آوردن و شرح دادن تحقیقات مختلفیه که گاهی ربط خاصی هم به موضوع ندارند
مشکلم با بیشتر کتاب اینه که از نظر من اینها چیزهاییه که هر کسی با عقل سلیم خودش میدونه. ولی اولاً اینکه همه عقل سلیم ندارند (دیدم که میگم) و دوم اینکه بعضی از اونهایی هم که دارند گاهی به یادآوری نیاز دارند
کتاب صوتی هم با صدای خود نویسنده با همراهی یک گروه خونده شده و خیلی خوبه
تلگرامم که کتابها و صوتیشون رو آپلود میکنم
Maede's Books
۱۴۰۲/۲/۲۸
August 4, 2023
2.5, RTC
Mostly fluff. The introduction is all about how full of shit people are if they say they don’t have regrets. I think there’s a misunderstanding there that Pink isn’t taking responsibility for.
One interesting thing I learned is that the part of our brain that can time-travel, as he calls it, to a past decision, and imagine ourselves making a new choice with a different outcome is not something we develop until somewhere between the age of 5-8.
I mostly couldn’t stand the chapters on the different types of regrets. The list was self-explanatory, and unsurprising: family, career — all the biggies.
I thought I wouldn’t finish this, in the spirit of regret (low hanging fruit, I know), but the end taught me some bits I had fun learning.
Recommend pulling this off someone else’s shelf, skipping past all the regret-category chapters, and reading the last bit standing up. Revisit if necessary.
Mostly fluff. The introduction is all about how full of shit people are if they say they don’t have regrets. I think there’s a misunderstanding there that Pink isn’t taking responsibility for.
One interesting thing I learned is that the part of our brain that can time-travel, as he calls it, to a past decision, and imagine ourselves making a new choice with a different outcome is not something we develop until somewhere between the age of 5-8.
I mostly couldn’t stand the chapters on the different types of regrets. The list was self-explanatory, and unsurprising: family, career — all the biggies.
I thought I wouldn’t finish this, in the spirit of regret (low hanging fruit, I know), but the end taught me some bits I had fun learning.
Recommend pulling this off someone else’s shelf, skipping past all the regret-category chapters, and reading the last bit standing up. Revisit if necessary.
February 4, 2022
Never regret saying “I have no regrets”, is the powerful message that best-selling author Daniel Pink stives to convey to his readers in his newest book, “The Power of Regret”. As the title prosaically suggests, the hitherto scorned, sympathised and negatively viewed emotion of regret can be harnessed towards positive and fulfilling outcomes, both personal and professional. Regret is a phenomenon “into” which one can look, both going backward into the past and forward into the future. Hence before getting yourself a tattoo that boldly exclaims “No regrets”, think twice, because as Daniel Pink helpfully suggests, the tattoo removal industry is a burgeoning and lucrative profession. Removing a tattoo costs at least ten times more than getting one!
Daniel Pink knows what he is writing as he can lay claims to being an amanuensis of regret! In 2020, he, along with a tiny team of survey research experts, we designed carried out the largest quantitative analysis of American attitudes about regret ever conducted: the American Regret Project. This survey categorized the regrets of 4,489 people who comprised a representative sample of the U.S. population. If you do happen to have any regrets, please head type in www.worldregretsurvey.com. This website, designed by Pink and his team, has collected more than sixteen thousand “regrets” from population spanning 105 countries.
Daniel Pink categorises regret into four broad buckets – foundation regrets, boldness regrets, moral regrets, and connection regrets. Foundation regrets represent a morass of irresponsibility, a failure to be conscientious and a failure at prudence. Boldness regrets, in layman terms, is ruing over lost opportunities due to innate reticence and hesitancy. Connection regrets epitomise damaged relationships with a spouse, friends, parents, siblings, and offspring.
So how does one make the most of wallowing in regret, supposing one can even envisage such a possibility? Make a beeline towards the offices of Victoria Medvec and Thomas Gilovich of Cornell University, and Scott Madey of the University of Toledo. These three intrepid researchers collected videos of about three dozen silver and bronze medalists. The trio then ‘rated’ the competitors’ facial expressions on a ten-point “agony-to-ecstasy” scale. The bronze medalists were inexplicably happier than their silver winning counterparts. The average rating of the facial expressions of bronze medalists was 7.1. But silver medalists were rated only 4.8. Why would this be so? The answer: counterfactuals. The bronze medalists are invested with a ‘downward’ counterfactual that propagates an “at least” sense of perception, whereas the silver medalists are ‘plagued’ by an ‘upward’ counterfactual that gnaws at them by informing them of an “if only”, phenomenon.
These overtly cheerful bronze medalists dispense three key and positive attributes of regrets: Regrets sharpen our decision-making skills; Regrets elevate our performance on a range of tasks; Finally regrets enhance and embellish our sense of meaning and connectedness. The opportunity accorded by regret to turn over a new leaf is not something new. As Daniel Pink illustrates, this channeling of regret to optimistic ends has been the prerogative of many of our earlier generations. Folklore has it that in the fifteenth century, a Japanese shogun named Ashikaga Yoshimasa splintered a Chinese tea bowl. The Shogun dispatched the damaged bowl back to China for repairs. But when the bowl came back it was in a shambolic state. The broken bowl was barely contained by bulky metal staples. Yoshimasa commissioned his local craftspeople with an assignment to find a more conducive and convincing means to repair expensive broken China. The result: “Kintsugi” (literally meaning “golden joinery”). The craftsmen sanded down the edges of the broken pieces and glued them back together using lacquer mixed with gold. According to one report, “kintsugi was such a fashionable phenomenon that some people were known to smash their tea bowls on purpose in order to embed them with golden-veined repairs.” The repaired bowls were rendered beautiful BECAUSE of their imperfections. The cracks made them better! Similar is the phenomenon of regret. From irreparable loss, arises unadulterated hope.
Before concluding his book, Daniel Pink offers some handy tips to overcome the burden of regret. With an objective of desisting from including ‘spoilers’, here’s setting out a few primary tools:
Find the Silver Lining:
Take a leaf out the book of those bronze medalists. Recast the way you think about regret. Try completing the sentence, “At least…”
Converse and Convey:
Get rid of the monkey riding your back by divulging your regrets with a few trusted aides/confidantes. Better still, write them down. Writing is tantamount to admitting.
Practice the art of Self Compassion:
Confront your regrets head on, but do not self-flagellate yourself a la Leo Tolstoy. This will prompt you to not just take your regrets head on but also come out of the entire experience much the wiser.
Self-Distancing is the key:
Julius Caesar was the epitome of this art. A master of “illeism”, he always referred to himself in the third person. He was practising self-distancing. According to Ethan Kross of the University of Michigan and Özlem Ayduk of the University of California, Berkeley, people who self-distance “focus less on recounting their experiences and more on reconstruing them in ways that provide insight and closure.”
“The Power of Regret” is a bold foray into tackling a most misunderstood and feared emotion in a scientific, systematic and scholastic fashion. Daniel Pink more than just succeeds in this endeavour.
Daniel Pink knows what he is writing as he can lay claims to being an amanuensis of regret! In 2020, he, along with a tiny team of survey research experts, we designed carried out the largest quantitative analysis of American attitudes about regret ever conducted: the American Regret Project. This survey categorized the regrets of 4,489 people who comprised a representative sample of the U.S. population. If you do happen to have any regrets, please head type in www.worldregretsurvey.com. This website, designed by Pink and his team, has collected more than sixteen thousand “regrets” from population spanning 105 countries.
Daniel Pink categorises regret into four broad buckets – foundation regrets, boldness regrets, moral regrets, and connection regrets. Foundation regrets represent a morass of irresponsibility, a failure to be conscientious and a failure at prudence. Boldness regrets, in layman terms, is ruing over lost opportunities due to innate reticence and hesitancy. Connection regrets epitomise damaged relationships with a spouse, friends, parents, siblings, and offspring.
So how does one make the most of wallowing in regret, supposing one can even envisage such a possibility? Make a beeline towards the offices of Victoria Medvec and Thomas Gilovich of Cornell University, and Scott Madey of the University of Toledo. These three intrepid researchers collected videos of about three dozen silver and bronze medalists. The trio then ‘rated’ the competitors’ facial expressions on a ten-point “agony-to-ecstasy” scale. The bronze medalists were inexplicably happier than their silver winning counterparts. The average rating of the facial expressions of bronze medalists was 7.1. But silver medalists were rated only 4.8. Why would this be so? The answer: counterfactuals. The bronze medalists are invested with a ‘downward’ counterfactual that propagates an “at least” sense of perception, whereas the silver medalists are ‘plagued’ by an ‘upward’ counterfactual that gnaws at them by informing them of an “if only”, phenomenon.
These overtly cheerful bronze medalists dispense three key and positive attributes of regrets: Regrets sharpen our decision-making skills; Regrets elevate our performance on a range of tasks; Finally regrets enhance and embellish our sense of meaning and connectedness. The opportunity accorded by regret to turn over a new leaf is not something new. As Daniel Pink illustrates, this channeling of regret to optimistic ends has been the prerogative of many of our earlier generations. Folklore has it that in the fifteenth century, a Japanese shogun named Ashikaga Yoshimasa splintered a Chinese tea bowl. The Shogun dispatched the damaged bowl back to China for repairs. But when the bowl came back it was in a shambolic state. The broken bowl was barely contained by bulky metal staples. Yoshimasa commissioned his local craftspeople with an assignment to find a more conducive and convincing means to repair expensive broken China. The result: “Kintsugi” (literally meaning “golden joinery”). The craftsmen sanded down the edges of the broken pieces and glued them back together using lacquer mixed with gold. According to one report, “kintsugi was such a fashionable phenomenon that some people were known to smash their tea bowls on purpose in order to embed them with golden-veined repairs.” The repaired bowls were rendered beautiful BECAUSE of their imperfections. The cracks made them better! Similar is the phenomenon of regret. From irreparable loss, arises unadulterated hope.
Before concluding his book, Daniel Pink offers some handy tips to overcome the burden of regret. With an objective of desisting from including ‘spoilers’, here’s setting out a few primary tools:
Find the Silver Lining:
Take a leaf out the book of those bronze medalists. Recast the way you think about regret. Try completing the sentence, “At least…”
Converse and Convey:
Get rid of the monkey riding your back by divulging your regrets with a few trusted aides/confidantes. Better still, write them down. Writing is tantamount to admitting.
Practice the art of Self Compassion:
Confront your regrets head on, but do not self-flagellate yourself a la Leo Tolstoy. This will prompt you to not just take your regrets head on but also come out of the entire experience much the wiser.
Self-Distancing is the key:
Julius Caesar was the epitome of this art. A master of “illeism”, he always referred to himself in the third person. He was practising self-distancing. According to Ethan Kross of the University of Michigan and Özlem Ayduk of the University of California, Berkeley, people who self-distance “focus less on recounting their experiences and more on reconstruing them in ways that provide insight and closure.”
“The Power of Regret” is a bold foray into tackling a most misunderstood and feared emotion in a scientific, systematic and scholastic fashion. Daniel Pink more than just succeeds in this endeavour.
August 2, 2022
This is a whole lot of words to say that critical self-reflection is a good thing.
2/10
2/10
March 4, 2022
“Regret is not dangerous or abnormal, a dilation from the steady path to happiness. It is healthy and universal, an integral part of being human. Regret is also valuable. It clarifies. It instructs. “
Four Regret Categories
<>Foundation regrets: long term investments of emotional, mental, physical, financial security; i.e., education, health, saving, etc.
<>Boldness regrets: taking the leap
<>Moral regrets: failure to live up to ideals of being “good”
<>Connection regrets: emotional access to friends, family, colleagues that is equated to sense of purpose.
Regret can increase persistence which boosts performance
How we respond to regret is key to our well being. Ignored equates to delusion, fixating on feeling regret leads to despair, and thinking leads to actionable items which can improve future decisions or provide resolution to closed events.
“We act in order to survive. We think in order to act.”
“All deep structure regrets reveal a need and yield a lesson.”
Which one did most respondents to the World Regret Survey fall into? Connection regrets.
Pink spends a good bit of time during each section outlining steps to deal with each category of regret and mitigate consequences or improve future choices.
Four Regret Categories
<>Foundation regrets: long term investments of emotional, mental, physical, financial security; i.e., education, health, saving, etc.
<>Boldness regrets: taking the leap
<>Moral regrets: failure to live up to ideals of being “good”
<>Connection regrets: emotional access to friends, family, colleagues that is equated to sense of purpose.
Regret can increase persistence which boosts performance
How we respond to regret is key to our well being. Ignored equates to delusion, fixating on feeling regret leads to despair, and thinking leads to actionable items which can improve future decisions or provide resolution to closed events.
“We act in order to survive. We think in order to act.”
“All deep structure regrets reveal a need and yield a lesson.”
Which one did most respondents to the World Regret Survey fall into? Connection regrets.
Pink spends a good bit of time during each section outlining steps to deal with each category of regret and mitigate consequences or improve future choices.
February 18, 2022
Pink points to three benefits of regret:
* Regret can improve decisions. Studies have shown that when people think about what they regretted not doing in the past, they made better decisions later on.
* Regret can raise performance. Researchers have found that experiencing even vicarious regret “infused people’s subsequent deliberations with more strength, speed, and creativity.” (p. 47)
* Regret can deepen meaning. Examining regrets can help us clarify our life’s purpose and steer toward meaning.
Drawing on academic research and two surveys of thousands of individuals that he initiated, Pink identifies four core categories of regret:
* Foundation - These are regrets where we opt for short-term gains over long-term payoffs, like not studying hard enough in school or not saving enough money. They often amount to: “If only I’d done the work.”
* Boldness - These are regrets of inaction, such as not starting a business, asking a crush on a date, or going on trips. They often amount to: “If only I’d taken that risk.” Research suggests that people regret failures to act more deeply than actions they regret.
* Moral - These represent just 10% of regrets in Pink’s research, but they often hurt the most and last the longest. They involve taking what our conscience says is a wrong path, such as lying, stealing, or betraying or hurting someone. They often amount to: “If only I’d done the right thing.”
* Connection - These regrets stem from “relationships that have come undone or remain incomplete,” (p. 133) such as when friends lose touch with each other over years, or families have a falling out. They often amount to: “If only I’d reached out.”
Pink provides guidelines for harnessing regrets more productively, including:
* Undo it. Apologize or try to fix any damage.
* “At least” it. Think about how things could have turned out worse and appreciate that “at least” they didn’t.
* Practice self-disclosure. Writing or talking about a regret can help move it from a place of emotion to a place where you can analyze it. Research has shown that just writing about a regret can make abstract emotions more concrete and lighten the burden.
* Show self-compassion. “Self-compassion encourages us to take the middle road in handling negative emotions—not suppressing them, but not exaggerating or overidentifying with them either,” Pink writes. (p. 174) It’s treating ourselves with kindness as we might treat someone else who came to us with the same regret.
* Self-distance. This is about trying to put your regret in perspective, imagining someone else is confronting it, or you’re an objective third party trying to analyze it, or thinking about it from the perspective of 10 years from now.
The bottom line is that The Power of Regret is a catchy corrective to the “No regrets” mantra, It’s likely helpful for people who tend to be overly self-critical or ruminate unhealthily, by normalizing regrets and offering guidance for how to use them to our advantage.
* Regret can improve decisions. Studies have shown that when people think about what they regretted not doing in the past, they made better decisions later on.
* Regret can raise performance. Researchers have found that experiencing even vicarious regret “infused people’s subsequent deliberations with more strength, speed, and creativity.” (p. 47)
* Regret can deepen meaning. Examining regrets can help us clarify our life’s purpose and steer toward meaning.
Drawing on academic research and two surveys of thousands of individuals that he initiated, Pink identifies four core categories of regret:
* Foundation - These are regrets where we opt for short-term gains over long-term payoffs, like not studying hard enough in school or not saving enough money. They often amount to: “If only I’d done the work.”
* Boldness - These are regrets of inaction, such as not starting a business, asking a crush on a date, or going on trips. They often amount to: “If only I’d taken that risk.” Research suggests that people regret failures to act more deeply than actions they regret.
* Moral - These represent just 10% of regrets in Pink’s research, but they often hurt the most and last the longest. They involve taking what our conscience says is a wrong path, such as lying, stealing, or betraying or hurting someone. They often amount to: “If only I’d done the right thing.”
* Connection - These regrets stem from “relationships that have come undone or remain incomplete,” (p. 133) such as when friends lose touch with each other over years, or families have a falling out. They often amount to: “If only I’d reached out.”
Pink provides guidelines for harnessing regrets more productively, including:
* Undo it. Apologize or try to fix any damage.
* “At least” it. Think about how things could have turned out worse and appreciate that “at least” they didn’t.
* Practice self-disclosure. Writing or talking about a regret can help move it from a place of emotion to a place where you can analyze it. Research has shown that just writing about a regret can make abstract emotions more concrete and lighten the burden.
* Show self-compassion. “Self-compassion encourages us to take the middle road in handling negative emotions—not suppressing them, but not exaggerating or overidentifying with them either,” Pink writes. (p. 174) It’s treating ourselves with kindness as we might treat someone else who came to us with the same regret.
* Self-distance. This is about trying to put your regret in perspective, imagining someone else is confronting it, or you’re an objective third party trying to analyze it, or thinking about it from the perspective of 10 years from now.
The bottom line is that The Power of Regret is a catchy corrective to the “No regrets” mantra, It’s likely helpful for people who tend to be overly self-critical or ruminate unhealthily, by normalizing regrets and offering guidance for how to use them to our advantage.
January 31, 2022
I've been a Dan Fan since Free Agent Nation, and his latest doesn't disappoint. In some ways, it may be (at least for me) his most relatable book. I'm in my fifties, and I've started assessing my life–– personal and professional decisions I've made; relationships that have endured decades (and those I've allowed to drift away); relationships with family, friends, business acquaintances, and neighbors; and interactions with strangers. Of course I have regrets, and of course I realize there are some things I can't undo. What makes this book so powerful is how Dan delineates the kinds of regrets, offering sage advice drawn from experts across many different disciplines. For example, regarding the choices that must stick, he gives great advice: Reflect don't ruminate. Reflection is what allows us to acknowledge our bad choice, bad behavior, inaction, moral failing and learn from it. Rumination, on the other hand, guarantees that we will be stuck in an endless loop, reliving this mistake without gaining the insight to move forward, to learn, to not make the same regrettable mistake. Dan is a master at framing his arguments, and his framework here––the four core regrets, each clearly defined by Dan and through clear-eyed examples from readers who shared their stories––is a winning structure. Lots of food for thought, and it's presented via Dan's smart, accessible, prescriptive storytelling. It's the kind of book you'll want to share with friends.
November 15, 2023
In The Power of Regret, Daniel Pink explores how regrets are a fundamental part of life and how if we address them, rather than ignore or pretend they don’t exist, it can help us make better decisions and improve our sense of meaning.
There are 4 core types of regrets: foundation regrets, boldness regrets, moral regrets, and connection regrets. Pink delves into each of these — I hadn’t ever classified regrets by types so and found this informative.
Pink also shares that people are often more bothered by “couldas” than “shouldas” and how we can remedy regrets in some cases, and accept them in others by identifying “at least” silver linings. We can also use anticipated regrets to help us in decision making.
The Power of Regret was an interesting read with helpful information to consider in reflecting on the past and thinking about moving forward in the direction you want to pursue.
There are 4 core types of regrets: foundation regrets, boldness regrets, moral regrets, and connection regrets. Pink delves into each of these — I hadn’t ever classified regrets by types so and found this informative.
Pink also shares that people are often more bothered by “couldas” than “shouldas” and how we can remedy regrets in some cases, and accept them in others by identifying “at least” silver linings. We can also use anticipated regrets to help us in decision making.
The Power of Regret was an interesting read with helpful information to consider in reflecting on the past and thinking about moving forward in the direction you want to pursue.
February 11, 2022
From a website so that i can look back and remember: https://www.charterworks.com/power-of...
Pink points to three benefits of regret:
Regret can improve decisions. Studies have shown that when people think about what they regretted not doing in the past, they made better decisions later on.
Regret can raise performance. Researchers have found that experiencing even vicarious regret “infused people’s subsequent deliberations with more strength, speed, and creativity.” (p. 47)
Regret can deepen meaning. Examining regrets can help us clarify our life’s purpose and steer toward meaning.
Drawing on academic research and two surveys of thousands of individuals that he initiated, Pink identifies four core categories of regret:
Foundation - These are regrets where we opt for short-term gains over long-term payoffs, like not studying hard enough in school or not saving enough money. They often amount to: “If only I’d done the work.”
Boldness - These are regrets of inaction, such as not starting a business, asking a crush on a date, or going on trips. They often amount to: “If only I’d taken that risk.” Research suggests that people regret failures to act more deeply than actions they regret.
Moral - These represent just 10% of regrets in Pink’s research, but they often hurt the most and last the longest. They involve taking what our conscience says is a wrong path, such as lying, stealing, or betraying or hurting someone. They often amount to: “If only I’d done the right thing.”
Connection - These regrets stem from “relationships that have come undone or remain incomplete,” (p. 133) such as when friends lose touch with each other over years, or families have a falling out. They often amount to: “If only I’d reached out.”
Asked to describe one significant regret, nearly 22% of Americans cited a regret related to family, according to Pink’s research. Some 19% mentioned a regret related to a romantic partner. Education, career, and finance were the next most common areas.
Pink provides guidelines for harnessing regrets more productively, including:
Undo it. Apologize or try to fix any damage.
“At least” it. Think about how things could have turned out worse and appreciate that “at least” they didn’t.
Practice self-disclosure. Writing or talking about a regret can help move it from a place of emotion to a place where you can analyze it. Research has shown that just writing about a regret can make abstract emotions more concrete and lighten the burden.
Show self-compassion. “Self-compassion encourages us to take the middle road in handling negative emotions—not suppressing them, but not exaggerating or overidentifying with them either,” Pink writes. (p. 174) It’s treating ourselves with kindness as we might treat someone else who came to us with the same regret.
Self-distance. This is about trying to put your regret in perspective, imagining someone else is confronting it, or you’re an objective third party trying to analyze it, or thinking about it from the perspective of 10 years from now.
Pink offers this summary of how the last three approaches relate: “Self-disclosure relieves the burden of carrying a regret, and self-compassion reframes the regret as a human imperfection rather than an incapacitating flaw, self-distancing helps you analyze and strategize—to examine the regret dispassionately without shame or rancor and to extract from it a lesson that can guide your future behavior.” (p. 178)
He suggests that you can use regrets in your decision making by trying to anticipate whether a choice might trigger one of the four core categories of regrets above. “If you are dealing with one of the four core regrets, project yourself to a specific point in the future and ask yourself which choice will most help you build a solid foundation, take a sensible risk, do the right thing, or connect with others,” Pink writes. (p. 205) If it doesn’t connect to one of those four, don’t agonize about your choice and move on, he counsels.
To be sure:
Pink promises that “if we know what people regret the most, we can reverse the image to reveal what they value the most.” (p. 149) His answers to that wind up being disappointingly predictable: stability, growth, goodness, and love.
Pink convincingly makes the case for the power of regrets—but, stepping back, you of course still want fewer rather than more regrets in your life.
Pink’s admirable flair for the telling analogy or anecdote in a few instances comes off as a stretch, such as when he detours into the history of investment portfolio theory to make the simple point that people benefit from having both positive and negative emotions.
Memorable anecdotes and facts:
A 2016 study in Sweden found that participants regretted about 30% of the decisions they had made the prior week.
Researchers studying facial expressions of Olympic medalists in the aftermath of the events scored bronze medalists 7.1 on average on a 10-point happiness scale, with silver medalists a lower 4.8. They concluded that bronze winners felt relieved at least they weren’t fourth, while those earning silver regretted not getting gold.
Junior scientists who just missed getting a prestigious grant later in their careers outperformed peers who had won the grant by a narrow margin. “The near miss likely prompted regret, which spurred reflection, which revised strategy, which improved performance,” Pink writes.
Bullying was the most common harm-related moral regret in Pink’s surveys.
As people get older they tend to have more regrets about family, and fewer about education, health, and career.
Researchers have found that getting people to write or talk about their regrets in the second person (“you”) or third person (“she, him, they”) rather than the first person (“I”) provides great clarity and commitment to improving future behavior.
Choice quotes:
“Regret is not dangerous or abnormal, a deviation from the steady path to happiness. It is healthy and universal, an integral part of being human. Regret is also valuable, It clarifies. It instructs. Done right, it needn’t drag us down; it can lift us up.” (p. 8)
“The consequences of actions are specific, concrete, and limited. The consequences of inaction are general, abstract, and unbounded. Inactions, by laying eggs under our skin, incubate endless speculation.” (p. 105)
“The lesson is plain: Speak up. Ask him out. Take that trip. Start that business. Step off the train.” (p. 111)
“There is something heartening about grown women and men waking up at night despairing over incidents decades earlier in their lives in which they hurt others, acted unfairly, or compromised the values of their community. It suggests that stamped somewhere in our DNA and buried deep in our souls is the desire to be good.” (p. 129)
“If a relationship you care about has come undone, place the call. Make that visit. Say what you feel. Push past the awkwardness and reach out.” (p. 146)
The bottom line is that The Power of Regret is a catchy corrective to the “No regrets” mantra that’s popular in songs (e.g. “Non, Je ne regrette rien”) and tattoo parlors. It’s likely helpful for people who tend to be overly self-critical or ruminate unhealthily, by normalizing regrets and offering guidance for how to use them to our advantage.
Pink points to three benefits of regret:
Regret can improve decisions. Studies have shown that when people think about what they regretted not doing in the past, they made better decisions later on.
Regret can raise performance. Researchers have found that experiencing even vicarious regret “infused people’s subsequent deliberations with more strength, speed, and creativity.” (p. 47)
Regret can deepen meaning. Examining regrets can help us clarify our life’s purpose and steer toward meaning.
Drawing on academic research and two surveys of thousands of individuals that he initiated, Pink identifies four core categories of regret:
Foundation - These are regrets where we opt for short-term gains over long-term payoffs, like not studying hard enough in school or not saving enough money. They often amount to: “If only I’d done the work.”
Boldness - These are regrets of inaction, such as not starting a business, asking a crush on a date, or going on trips. They often amount to: “If only I’d taken that risk.” Research suggests that people regret failures to act more deeply than actions they regret.
Moral - These represent just 10% of regrets in Pink’s research, but they often hurt the most and last the longest. They involve taking what our conscience says is a wrong path, such as lying, stealing, or betraying or hurting someone. They often amount to: “If only I’d done the right thing.”
Connection - These regrets stem from “relationships that have come undone or remain incomplete,” (p. 133) such as when friends lose touch with each other over years, or families have a falling out. They often amount to: “If only I’d reached out.”
Asked to describe one significant regret, nearly 22% of Americans cited a regret related to family, according to Pink’s research. Some 19% mentioned a regret related to a romantic partner. Education, career, and finance were the next most common areas.
Pink provides guidelines for harnessing regrets more productively, including:
Undo it. Apologize or try to fix any damage.
“At least” it. Think about how things could have turned out worse and appreciate that “at least” they didn’t.
Practice self-disclosure. Writing or talking about a regret can help move it from a place of emotion to a place where you can analyze it. Research has shown that just writing about a regret can make abstract emotions more concrete and lighten the burden.
Show self-compassion. “Self-compassion encourages us to take the middle road in handling negative emotions—not suppressing them, but not exaggerating or overidentifying with them either,” Pink writes. (p. 174) It’s treating ourselves with kindness as we might treat someone else who came to us with the same regret.
Self-distance. This is about trying to put your regret in perspective, imagining someone else is confronting it, or you’re an objective third party trying to analyze it, or thinking about it from the perspective of 10 years from now.
Pink offers this summary of how the last three approaches relate: “Self-disclosure relieves the burden of carrying a regret, and self-compassion reframes the regret as a human imperfection rather than an incapacitating flaw, self-distancing helps you analyze and strategize—to examine the regret dispassionately without shame or rancor and to extract from it a lesson that can guide your future behavior.” (p. 178)
He suggests that you can use regrets in your decision making by trying to anticipate whether a choice might trigger one of the four core categories of regrets above. “If you are dealing with one of the four core regrets, project yourself to a specific point in the future and ask yourself which choice will most help you build a solid foundation, take a sensible risk, do the right thing, or connect with others,” Pink writes. (p. 205) If it doesn’t connect to one of those four, don’t agonize about your choice and move on, he counsels.
To be sure:
Pink promises that “if we know what people regret the most, we can reverse the image to reveal what they value the most.” (p. 149) His answers to that wind up being disappointingly predictable: stability, growth, goodness, and love.
Pink convincingly makes the case for the power of regrets—but, stepping back, you of course still want fewer rather than more regrets in your life.
Pink’s admirable flair for the telling analogy or anecdote in a few instances comes off as a stretch, such as when he detours into the history of investment portfolio theory to make the simple point that people benefit from having both positive and negative emotions.
Memorable anecdotes and facts:
A 2016 study in Sweden found that participants regretted about 30% of the decisions they had made the prior week.
Researchers studying facial expressions of Olympic medalists in the aftermath of the events scored bronze medalists 7.1 on average on a 10-point happiness scale, with silver medalists a lower 4.8. They concluded that bronze winners felt relieved at least they weren’t fourth, while those earning silver regretted not getting gold.
Junior scientists who just missed getting a prestigious grant later in their careers outperformed peers who had won the grant by a narrow margin. “The near miss likely prompted regret, which spurred reflection, which revised strategy, which improved performance,” Pink writes.
Bullying was the most common harm-related moral regret in Pink’s surveys.
As people get older they tend to have more regrets about family, and fewer about education, health, and career.
Researchers have found that getting people to write or talk about their regrets in the second person (“you”) or third person (“she, him, they”) rather than the first person (“I”) provides great clarity and commitment to improving future behavior.
Choice quotes:
“Regret is not dangerous or abnormal, a deviation from the steady path to happiness. It is healthy and universal, an integral part of being human. Regret is also valuable, It clarifies. It instructs. Done right, it needn’t drag us down; it can lift us up.” (p. 8)
“The consequences of actions are specific, concrete, and limited. The consequences of inaction are general, abstract, and unbounded. Inactions, by laying eggs under our skin, incubate endless speculation.” (p. 105)
“The lesson is plain: Speak up. Ask him out. Take that trip. Start that business. Step off the train.” (p. 111)
“There is something heartening about grown women and men waking up at night despairing over incidents decades earlier in their lives in which they hurt others, acted unfairly, or compromised the values of their community. It suggests that stamped somewhere in our DNA and buried deep in our souls is the desire to be good.” (p. 129)
“If a relationship you care about has come undone, place the call. Make that visit. Say what you feel. Push past the awkwardness and reach out.” (p. 146)
The bottom line is that The Power of Regret is a catchy corrective to the “No regrets” mantra that’s popular in songs (e.g. “Non, Je ne regrette rien”) and tattoo parlors. It’s likely helpful for people who tend to be overly self-critical or ruminate unhealthily, by normalizing regrets and offering guidance for how to use them to our advantage.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
Read
April 8, 2024Much like many other psychology-based books, this had some interesting info but could have easily been summed up in an essay instead of a book.
February 10, 2022
I usually like his books. This felt like a book in which the author ran out of ideas. Keeping a journal of regrets was recommended. That is a terrible idea.
Too much time was spent articulating regrets rather than how to use the experience to move forward.
Too much time was spent articulating regrets rather than how to use the experience to move forward.
April 12, 2022
Once I found out there is a new book by Daniel H. Pink, there was no other option - I put it at the beginning of my reading queue. But I failed to fall in love with it - the message the author is trying to pass here is far too contradictory to my stoic way of thinking.
To make it even worse, I'm not 100% certain how to interpret the message. It's clearly contradictory to "no regrets", so (according to DHP) the regrets DO MATTER, but I don't feel he sets a proper boundary between diving into the past (that we can't change) and drawing conclusions for the future. Putting it in a way DHP does actually makes it more dangerous! Honestly, when I was listening to all the statements by random people (80yo individual regretting something done as a kid), I kinda ... pitied those people! They literally waste time (& suffer!) on something beyond their control.
What did I like in "The Power ..."? Some mental models about regrets are VERY good (& useful). The one about motivating change ("should do", "could do" vs actual state) or the one about regretting doing or NOT doing something - these are golden.
I do agree that claiming "no regrets" may mean that you're (simply) fooling yourself. But none of the extremes is healthy here. Regrets are a mistake - keep your awareness high and turn painful experiences into lessons, only to MOVE ON.
To make it even worse, I'm not 100% certain how to interpret the message. It's clearly contradictory to "no regrets", so (according to DHP) the regrets DO MATTER, but I don't feel he sets a proper boundary between diving into the past (that we can't change) and drawing conclusions for the future. Putting it in a way DHP does actually makes it more dangerous! Honestly, when I was listening to all the statements by random people (80yo individual regretting something done as a kid), I kinda ... pitied those people! They literally waste time (& suffer!) on something beyond their control.
What did I like in "The Power ..."? Some mental models about regrets are VERY good (& useful). The one about motivating change ("should do", "could do" vs actual state) or the one about regretting doing or NOT doing something - these are golden.
I do agree that claiming "no regrets" may mean that you're (simply) fooling yourself. But none of the extremes is healthy here. Regrets are a mistake - keep your awareness high and turn painful experiences into lessons, only to MOVE ON.
Read
April 30, 2022Regrets, we all have a few. In the Power of Regret, Pink argues why we shouldn't live by the motto "No Regrets" because regrets actually make us better. He outlines what he considers the four core regrets: foundational regrets, moral regrets, boldness regrets, and connection regrets. He shares research on how to undo or reframe those regrets so we learn from them, and also the benefits (and drawbacks) of anticipating regret in order to make better decisions. I do wish this was either really condensed into an article, or that he'd really gone into more depth on the topic. As such, it occupies a not very satisfying middle ground for me. *Review by Angie from Reader Services*
September 15, 2022
خوانش: ۲۴ شهریور ۰۱
ساعت: ۱۸:۳۰
ساعت: ۱۸:۳۰
August 27, 2022
Part of the ever expanding universe of pop-science books that picks a topic and tries to make it the most important thing in life. It’s fine. Not great. But some interesting thoughts here and there.
Four core regrets:
- Foundational (saving more, caring for health)
- Boldness
- Moral
- Connection
Resolving regrets:
- if the decision is one of the big four, take time to deliberate. Look back on that choice from your future self to gain perspective. If it’s not one of the big four, make a decision and move on.
- Action regret: Opportunity still to correct, move forward and fix it (apologize, pursue goal, etc)
-At least it: think of how it could have been worse and appreciate that it didn’t turn out that way.
- Self disclosure: Talk or write about the regret
- Self-compassion: what would you tell a friend if they told you about the same regret you’re feeling
- Self-distance: What have you learned from the event and how will you avoid future regrets that are similar.
Four core regrets:
- Foundational (saving more, caring for health)
- Boldness
- Moral
- Connection
Resolving regrets:
- if the decision is one of the big four, take time to deliberate. Look back on that choice from your future self to gain perspective. If it’s not one of the big four, make a decision and move on.
- Action regret: Opportunity still to correct, move forward and fix it (apologize, pursue goal, etc)
-At least it: think of how it could have been worse and appreciate that it didn’t turn out that way.
- Self disclosure: Talk or write about the regret
- Self-compassion: what would you tell a friend if they told you about the same regret you’re feeling
- Self-distance: What have you learned from the event and how will you avoid future regrets that are similar.
August 1, 2023
A rather pointless book that went nowhere. The start made sense: human beings are "counterfactual" and are locked into what could be or could have been modes of thinking. This is where regret, as an emotion, enters the human condition. Then, without any scientific evidence or understanding of linguistics, Pink parallels emotions with Chomskyan grammar and claims that regret has deep structures. There are four emotional grammatical(?) structures: foundation, boldness, moral, and connection. And these are supported by his research via a worldwide regret survey.
A lot of deep claims lead to a lot of shallow conclusions wrapped up in an irritating prose style. And Pink side-steps an obvious problem with his line of thought: What if a regret is collection of regrets? Take for example, coming out (an example he does cite as a source of regret). It could be a foundation regret: a person was not in a social and financial position whereby such a decision was wise. Or it could be a boldness regret: the individual could not face (justifiably) the grief this would cause. Or a moral regret: freedom would have been a loss of religion or drawn religious hatred. Or connection: there wasn't a support network to offer compassion against prejudice. Or a combination of all of them in some form of another -- more likely than not. Pink's superficial advice fails to touch the complexities of human experience and those deep regrets that can paralyse a life.
Being a counterfactual human being I can only say, "I could have bought something better than this." On the bright side, as recommended by Pink, by applying At least thinking, "at least I did not spend too long reading this book."
A lot of deep claims lead to a lot of shallow conclusions wrapped up in an irritating prose style. And Pink side-steps an obvious problem with his line of thought: What if a regret is collection of regrets? Take for example, coming out (an example he does cite as a source of regret). It could be a foundation regret: a person was not in a social and financial position whereby such a decision was wise. Or it could be a boldness regret: the individual could not face (justifiably) the grief this would cause. Or a moral regret: freedom would have been a loss of religion or drawn religious hatred. Or connection: there wasn't a support network to offer compassion against prejudice. Or a combination of all of them in some form of another -- more likely than not. Pink's superficial advice fails to touch the complexities of human experience and those deep regrets that can paralyse a life.
Being a counterfactual human being I can only say, "I could have bought something better than this." On the bright side, as recommended by Pink, by applying At least thinking, "at least I did not spend too long reading this book."
December 25, 2022
"When you feel the spear of regret, you have three possible responses. You can conclude that feeling is for ignoring - bury or minimize it. That leads to delusion. You can conclude that feeling is for feeling - and wallow in it. That leads to despair. ... When feeling is for thinking, and thinking is for doing, regret is for making us better (pp 54-55)."
AUTHOR'S WRITING STYLE: 5 stars!
Yay: It is easy to read. The style of writing is friendly and is easy to understand. This book is divided into 3 parts and 14 chapters. Each part has a story to tell followed by the results of a World Regret Survey and ends with insights. Nay: None that I observe.
SUBSTANCE & CONTENT: 4 stars!
Yay: The organization of stories and ideas is flowing smoothly. These stories and ideas have presented a series of facts that are different from what you are conditioned to believe. This is the book that you can turn to once you want to understand regret thoroughly. Parts One and Two introduce you to the fundamentals of regret and the types of regret. Part Three is the application. It teaches you how to manage regret and what websites you can visit for more helpful strategies.
Nay: Self-esteem is a higher need in Maslow Hierarchy of Needs. It is a positive variable in psychology that is divided into three levels - poor, healthy and high. This book seems to confuse me when it says self-esteem can foster narcissism, diminish empathy and stoke aggression (page 173). I am not a psychologist but I seem to disagree for the reason that a person with a healthy level of self-esteem can manage his or her life well.
Perhaps, the author is referring to a poor level of self-esteem. Poor self-esteem is more vulnerable to narcissism once you are raised in an environment filled with arrogance and gaslighting. The wrong parenting type also leads to narcissism.
AUTHOR'S WRITING STYLE: 5 stars!
Yay: It is easy to read. The style of writing is friendly and is easy to understand. This book is divided into 3 parts and 14 chapters. Each part has a story to tell followed by the results of a World Regret Survey and ends with insights. Nay: None that I observe.
SUBSTANCE & CONTENT: 4 stars!
Yay: The organization of stories and ideas is flowing smoothly. These stories and ideas have presented a series of facts that are different from what you are conditioned to believe. This is the book that you can turn to once you want to understand regret thoroughly. Parts One and Two introduce you to the fundamentals of regret and the types of regret. Part Three is the application. It teaches you how to manage regret and what websites you can visit for more helpful strategies.
Nay: Self-esteem is a higher need in Maslow Hierarchy of Needs. It is a positive variable in psychology that is divided into three levels - poor, healthy and high. This book seems to confuse me when it says self-esteem can foster narcissism, diminish empathy and stoke aggression (page 173). I am not a psychologist but I seem to disagree for the reason that a person with a healthy level of self-esteem can manage his or her life well.
Perhaps, the author is referring to a poor level of self-esteem. Poor self-esteem is more vulnerable to narcissism once you are raised in an environment filled with arrogance and gaslighting. The wrong parenting type also leads to narcissism.
January 2, 2023
When someone tells me not to regret anything, I used to ask myself why? I am human and I will definitely feel bad feelings from time to time. It is an alarm clock that tells me that I am doing something that harms me or those around me..
this book is really good, it talks about the basic types of regrets we feel and how we can use them to improve our quality of life and our future..
I'm glad to start the new year with this book
this book is really good, it talks about the basic types of regrets we feel and how we can use them to improve our quality of life and our future..
I'm glad to start the new year with this book
January 26, 2023
I’m not too into nonfictional books, but I thought this was a really interesting book from the name because I used to think that we should try to avoid regrets. However I think this book brought a lot of insight and aha moments with how I’ve seen myself act.
I think the key part of the book that I took away is that we must be aware of our regret to grow but NOT identify with it. We have to see the actions that we so regret as human imperfections than an “incapacitating flaw.” We should not see regret as a “judgement of our underlying character,” and I feel that learning this would lift the weight and burden some people I know carry (if they ever read this review, I think they will know who they are).
I enjoyed how the book brought out the benefits of using regret as a tool to shape your future for the better. Yet at the same time, it also touched on the dangers of regret and ruminating too much on the past. It also touched me emotionally to hear the regrets of others to feel like there are others who can empathize with the feeling of holding onto your regrets like there’s no tomorrow.
I think this one example was also quite quirky from the story: University librarians wanted students to take a survey but they hardly did. So they tried two methods. In method 1, they said anyone who did the survey will be put in a raffle for a $75 gift card. In method 2, they said that everyone is put in a raffler for the gift card but if the winner is selected and they haven’t completed the survey then they are ineligible for the prize. Immediately, even when hearing of the second method I felt a sense of urgency to complete the survey, and it struck me that the drive behind a desire to take the survey in method two was completely regret, or the attempt to avoid it.
However, I did have some questions towards the end of the book. The book mentioned how more people regret inaction than action and the anticipation regret can help people take steps to do better in the future and take actions so they don’t regret not taking them down the road. Yet, I feel that the entire FOMO culture, which plagues us from being constantly force fed images on social media of events we are missing out on, is perpetuated with this mentality of thinking about the regret you might have in the future (though I know the author did address the negatives if anticipation quite briefly).
I think the key part of the book that I took away is that we must be aware of our regret to grow but NOT identify with it. We have to see the actions that we so regret as human imperfections than an “incapacitating flaw.” We should not see regret as a “judgement of our underlying character,” and I feel that learning this would lift the weight and burden some people I know carry (if they ever read this review, I think they will know who they are).
I enjoyed how the book brought out the benefits of using regret as a tool to shape your future for the better. Yet at the same time, it also touched on the dangers of regret and ruminating too much on the past. It also touched me emotionally to hear the regrets of others to feel like there are others who can empathize with the feeling of holding onto your regrets like there’s no tomorrow.
I think this one example was also quite quirky from the story: University librarians wanted students to take a survey but they hardly did. So they tried two methods. In method 1, they said anyone who did the survey will be put in a raffle for a $75 gift card. In method 2, they said that everyone is put in a raffler for the gift card but if the winner is selected and they haven’t completed the survey then they are ineligible for the prize. Immediately, even when hearing of the second method I felt a sense of urgency to complete the survey, and it struck me that the drive behind a desire to take the survey in method two was completely regret, or the attempt to avoid it.
However, I did have some questions towards the end of the book. The book mentioned how more people regret inaction than action and the anticipation regret can help people take steps to do better in the future and take actions so they don’t regret not taking them down the road. Yet, I feel that the entire FOMO culture, which plagues us from being constantly force fed images on social media of events we are missing out on, is perpetuated with this mentality of thinking about the regret you might have in the future (though I know the author did address the negatives if anticipation quite briefly).
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
April 17, 2022
Between a three and a four on this as regret is a pretty interesting subject (especially reading other people’s which there were plenty of due to the extensive research done) but some of this felt like stating the obvious. However categorising regrets into 4 different types and snippets like the parts on silver medalists and the origin of the Novel Peace prize plus how easy and enjoyable a read it was, swings it for me. Definitely worth a read.
November 15, 2022
I am already using some of the techniques outlined in this deep dive into regret research. I am practicing "at least" language for some of my biggest regrets. I have found some needed perspective and peace in unexpected places in my life that have been painful to think about until now. That's a win.
July 24, 2022
Turns out I regret reading this book.
July 30, 2023
Існують наукові дослідження жалю та жалкування. Соціологічні опитування показують, про що найбільше шкодують (переважно американці, на жаль, але ж в різних культурах цінності різняться, та жалі, напевне, теж).
- Найчастіше люди визнають, що жалкують про помилки у стосунках. Саме стосунки роблять нас щасливими та навіть здоровішими фізично у старості. Цікаво, що про сімʼю та стосунки більше шкодують жінки, ніж чоловіки. Для чоловіків характерніше шкодувати про помилки у карʼєрі. Те, про що ми жалкуємо свідчить про наші цінності
- Принцип "я ні про що не жалкую" поширений у попкультурі, проте він помилковий. Потрібно жалкувати, але ��е заганятися, а робити це усвідомлено та витягати з цього користь. Наприклад, щоб не повторювати таких помилок, які вже зробили, або виправити їх, якщо це можливо. Словом до всього треба підходити з головою. Аналізувати помилки та змінювати, що можемо, заради уникнення цього жалкування в майбутньому.
- Жалкування - це емоції. Якщо ми їх викладаємо на папері чи записуємо на диктофон чи проговорюємо з кимось, це довзволяє перенести цей досвід з емоцій в раціо та зменшує тягар жалю. Якщо те саме проробити з позитивним досвідом, то його цінність зменшується, ��о те саме відбувається. Тобто висновок - позитивним досвідом краще не розкидатися, чим більше про це розповідати, тим більше ми втрачаємо емоційний кайф від цього.
- Варто навчитися співчувати собі. Співчуття до самого себе пов’язане зі зростанням оптимізму, відчуттям щастя, допитливості, мудрості, підвищенням особистої ініціативи й емоційного інтелекту, збільшенням псих.стійкості і поглибленням соціальних зв’язків, здатне захистити від непродуктивного блукання думок й допомогти впоратись з невдачами в навчанні.+корелює із зменшенням депресивності, тривожності,перфекціонізму,відчуття сорому і послаблює симптоми птср. Від самонакруту до самоспівчуття.
- Найчастіше люди визнають, що жалкують про помилки у стосунках. Саме стосунки роблять нас щасливими та навіть здоровішими фізично у старості. Цікаво, що про сімʼю та стосунки більше шкодують жінки, ніж чоловіки. Для чоловіків характерніше шкодувати про помилки у карʼєрі. Те, про що ми жалкуємо свідчить про наші цінності
- Принцип "я ні про що не жалкую" поширений у попкультурі, проте він помилковий. Потрібно жалкувати, але ��е заганятися, а робити це усвідомлено та витягати з цього користь. Наприклад, щоб не повторювати таких помилок, які вже зробили, або виправити їх, якщо це можливо. Словом до всього треба підходити з головою. Аналізувати помилки та змінювати, що можемо, заради уникнення цього жалкування в майбутньому.
- Жалкування - це емоції. Якщо ми їх викладаємо на папері чи записуємо на диктофон чи проговорюємо з кимось, це довзволяє перенести цей досвід з емоцій в раціо та зменшує тягар жалю. Якщо те саме проробити з позитивним досвідом, то його цінність зменшується, ��о те саме відбувається. Тобто висновок - позитивним досвідом краще не розкидатися, чим більше про це розповідати, тим більше ми втрачаємо емоційний кайф від цього.
- Варто навчитися співчувати собі. Співчуття до самого себе пов’язане зі зростанням оптимізму, відчуттям щастя, допитливості, мудрості, підвищенням особистої ініціативи й емоційного інтелекту, збільшенням псих.стійкості і поглибленням соціальних зв’язків, здатне захистити від непродуктивного блукання думок й допомогти впоратись з невдачами в навчанні.+корелює із зменшенням депресивності, тривожності,перфекціонізму,відчуття сорому і послаблює симптоми птср. Від самонакруту до самоспівчуття.
December 18, 2022
Surprisingly good, given that several years ago, I grokked "To Sell is Human" on a library new books shelf, saw Pink's claim that "we're all in sales now" and immediately shut the book and put it back on the shelf.
The only reasons this isn't 5-starred is that it's relatively thin, and it is a bit on the "pop psychology" side. That said?
Pink book notes
One basic distinction, and a biggie, is action regrets vs. inaction regrets. Not doing something we could have vs doing something we shouldn’t. Inaction regrets often nag the most.
Four types of regret:
1. Foundational (health, mental health, education, self-development)
2. Boldness (see above)
3. Moral
4. Connection and relationship
The last one-quarter of the book, with its summary of tools on how to harness regret, is the key.
Those tools include:
1. Writing a “failure resume”
2. Doing third-person self-talk
3. Self distance in other ways, including with reliving to relieving, kind of like with PTSD
4. Doing “old year regrets” along with new year’s resolutions
5. Anticipating possible future regrets
6. Working on self-compassion even more than self-esteem (would you treat another person this way?)
7. Adopting a “journey mindset”
With action regret, Pink says undo them if possible; if not, minimize with an “at least it wasn’t worst” framing.
Pink also quotes another psychologist, that life has two narrative flows:
The first is a contamination sequence, the second a redemption sequence. Things like childhood abuse definitely are the former.
Pink does note that we should remember what’s out of our control. That said, speaking of things like child abuse, he could have talked more about how this, even into adulthood, can narrow or constrain human volition, as part of self-compassion for people with such background.
The only reasons this isn't 5-starred is that it's relatively thin, and it is a bit on the "pop psychology" side. That said?
Pink book notes
One basic distinction, and a biggie, is action regrets vs. inaction regrets. Not doing something we could have vs doing something we shouldn’t. Inaction regrets often nag the most.
Four types of regret:
1. Foundational (health, mental health, education, self-development)
2. Boldness (see above)
3. Moral
4. Connection and relationship
The last one-quarter of the book, with its summary of tools on how to harness regret, is the key.
Those tools include:
1. Writing a “failure resume”
2. Doing third-person self-talk
3. Self distance in other ways, including with reliving to relieving, kind of like with PTSD
4. Doing “old year regrets” along with new year’s resolutions
5. Anticipating possible future regrets
6. Working on self-compassion even more than self-esteem (would you treat another person this way?)
7. Adopting a “journey mindset”
With action regret, Pink says undo them if possible; if not, minimize with an “at least it wasn’t worst” framing.
Pink also quotes another psychologist, that life has two narrative flows:
The first is a contamination sequence, the second a redemption sequence. Things like childhood abuse definitely are the former.
Pink does note that we should remember what’s out of our control. That said, speaking of things like child abuse, he could have talked more about how this, even into adulthood, can narrow or constrain human volition, as part of self-compassion for people with such background.
December 28, 2022
Funny thing about this book....I bought it just by reading the FIRST part of the title "The Power of Regret", and I somehow just didn't see the part that said "How Looking Backward Moves Us Forward". So I was assuming it was about how regret was a negative thought or feeling and how we need to just move on. When, in fact, it was the complete opposite. I really enjoyed this and it completely changed my mindset on how to learn from past mistakes (regrets) and make changes and improvements going forward.
August 8, 2022
WARNING: this is an anti-abortion book in disguise!
I'm pretty disgusted by the number of stories of 20 year old women saying "I regret my abortion" in this book. Totally agenda-driven by Daniel Pink to include so, so many examples of this. WHERE are all the stories of the millions of women who regret becoming mothers...? A far more pressing concern. the ones that regret abuse and neglect or simple lovelessness. Where are the stories of the millions of MEN who regretted parenthood?
To bring children into the world and then to not love them is so much worse of a sin to not bring one instance into the world. The latter is a choice that can be changed; the former, never.
Of course, the theme of the book is regret - I was quite happily half way through, enjoying the book, until I couldn't take any more of this. This is the perfect example the pseudo-Christian, American fascist erosion of modern principles of bodily autonomy, riddled with hypocrisy. Men have no, no right to weigh in on this.
I'm so tired of these male pseudo-intellects synthesising the work of real sociologists, real historians, real analysts into such cheap outputs.
I'm so sorry to have to write this because I did previously rave, in real life, to tens of people I know, and write glowing reviews of Pink's work. I'm just sorry I didn't have the critical thinking skills to connect "Drive" - basically, in praise of giving ever more to your corporate employer - to such a right wing creep.
Avoid!
I'm pretty disgusted by the number of stories of 20 year old women saying "I regret my abortion" in this book. Totally agenda-driven by Daniel Pink to include so, so many examples of this. WHERE are all the stories of the millions of women who regret becoming mothers...? A far more pressing concern. the ones that regret abuse and neglect or simple lovelessness. Where are the stories of the millions of MEN who regretted parenthood?
To bring children into the world and then to not love them is so much worse of a sin to not bring one instance into the world. The latter is a choice that can be changed; the former, never.
Of course, the theme of the book is regret - I was quite happily half way through, enjoying the book, until I couldn't take any more of this. This is the perfect example the pseudo-Christian, American fascist erosion of modern principles of bodily autonomy, riddled with hypocrisy. Men have no, no right to weigh in on this.
I'm so tired of these male pseudo-intellects synthesising the work of real sociologists, real historians, real analysts into such cheap outputs.
I'm so sorry to have to write this because I did previously rave, in real life, to tens of people I know, and write glowing reviews of Pink's work. I'm just sorry I didn't have the critical thinking skills to connect "Drive" - basically, in praise of giving ever more to your corporate employer - to such a right wing creep.
Avoid!
April 4, 2022
Regrets, we all have a few. In the Power of Regret, Pink argues why we shouldn't live by the motto "No Regrets" because regrets actually make us better. He outlines what he considers the four core regrets: foundational regrets, moral regrets, boldness regrets, and connection regrets. He shares research on how to undo or reframe those regrets so we learn from them, and also the benefits (and drawbacks) of anticipating regret in order to make better decisions. I do wish this was either really condensed into an article, or that he'd really gone into more depth on the topic. As such, it occupies a not very satisfying middle ground for me.
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