My mom walked out on us when I was 5 years old.

I used to live with her in New Mexico on our Native Indian reservation.

Until one day when I was dropped off at my father’s house in New Jersey, completely oblivious to what was happening around me.

I assume she only came to drop us off because I don’t recall her sticking around. The next day, she was gone.

And no one told me that she wasn’t coming back

So I cried a lot growing up. I waited for her for years. I thought about running back to New Mexico. I kept a bag packed by the door because I was convinced she’d be back to pick me up any day now.

But yeah, she didn’t come back

And life moves forward. I grow up, raised by a single parent. Compared to other kids my age, I was more independent and emotionally tougher. In other words, my feelings didn’t get hurt easily.

But I had a very sensitive soft spot.

Because little did I know… how your mother abandoning you could really fuck you up. The feeling of being neglected, forgotten, and left behind was so deep rooted in me that whenever I was confronted with it, I couldn’t help but cry.

I would go back to my toddler self, sobbing and sobbing.

There are 2 distinct moments in my life where this showed up—

LIFE MOMENT #1
My two best friends and I signed up for the 3rd grade talent show. We would do a choreographed dance to Avril Lavigne’s Complicated and we practiced every day after school for weeks.

We’d come up with the dance moves, try out different transitions, etc. Lots of rehearsals and outfit coordination decisions. The dance was going to be perfect. I was so excited to perform, I couldn’t even sleep the night before.

The day comes and students fill the gymnasium, sitting on the floor, facing the stage. Everyone who’s performing is asked to line up and sit against the matted walls. There were a lot of students showcasing their talents. We practically took up the whole perimeter of the gym.

The show gets started. Hours go by. Some talents were more fun to watch than others. Someone read a chapter of a Harry Potter book which I distinctively remember thinking: “how is that even a talent?? we are all literate here and the movie is already out.” I digress.

My two friends and I are scooting our way up to the side of the stage as each person before us performs and finishes. We’re about 5 or 6 spots from going up and our art teacher turns on the mic to announce— “everyone, I have some sad news. We won’t be able to have everyone perform today… blah blah something about no enough time blah blah…” and I swear she looked directly at me as she was talking into the microphone and tears were already streaming down my face.

She came up to me and wiped them away and said some things that I can’t remember because by the time she was in front of me, I was full on sobbing.

I wasn’t losing anything by not performing. It isn’t a very big deal. However, I felt incredibly neglected.

LIFE MOMENT #2
In my first job, my team held Quarterly Business Reviews or QBRs. We’d come together as a team to present results from what we did that quarter and a plan on what we’ll do next quarter.

We just hired a new Senior VP who requested we use his template for the upcoming QBR. I began building my presentation out early, memorizing some sales numbers so I didn’t have to look back the screen when I spoke them and knew the projects in and out because I predicted he’d have lots of questions since he’s new.

On presentation day, my boss who was the Director presented, his counter part in Customer Success presented, a couple other people in my job tier went too.

At 5pm ET, he called it a day and I stood up to ask if he wanted me to run through what I prepared and he said “you know, I’ve heard so many great things about you. You don’t have to present yours.”

I understand that he meant it as a compliment but all I thought was “why would you make us put something together for you if you’re not going to even review it?”

And I felt the feeling come over me.

I went to the bathroom and I cried.

It’s so stupid.

Most people in my shoes would feel a sense of relief for not having to go after all. Instead, I felt like it was unfair. I felt singled out. I felt “forgotten” about.

WHAT YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT

• You can go to therapy and talk through these issues. I’ve tried this once. It didn’t work. I owe it another try.
• You can pray. You can remember that God has a plan for you in the way He created your life here. I do this.
• You can confront the childhood trauma head on. I have yet to have the conversation with my mom about this. She’s never explained herself to me. I have a vision that we will have this discussion while we’re both healthy and well. I pray about this, too.

Thank you, thank you for reading.

I write other stories on my blog if you wanna connect.

I’m rooting for you.